Name Taraia Brown
Hometown Motueka
Age when entered care 5 years old
Year of birth 1975
Time in care 1981–1990
Type of care facility Faith-based school – Shiloh Christian Academy (the school) in Motueka
Ethnicity Cook Island Māori
Whānau background Taraia’s heritage includes a Māori Mother and a Cook Island Father. Taraia is the second oldest of four sisters. Her older sister and younger sister both attended Shiloh Christian Academy, but her youngest sister didn’t. Currently, Taraia lives in New Zealand with her English husband.

“Christian institutions will always choose faith-based principles over the law.”

It has taken me 40 years to have the courage to speak up and tell my story. I was sexually, physically and psychologically abused from 6 years old until I was 15 years whilst I was a student at the school.

The sexual, physical and psychological abuse at school has caused immeasurable harm to me in so many areas of my life. I have worked hard over the years to heal from the trauma of the hands-on abuse. The physical violence and the regular deprivation of liberty has left me vigilant and on guard. Every day, I know that three of the teachers who abused me are still teaching in schools. The fact that these teachers are still teaching continues to disturb me 40 years later. This knowledge exacerbates my pain and adds a constant stress and grief to my life.

A male teacher at the school engaged in sexualised behaviour with young girls and provided a role model for the boys. He would expose his male genitals or move me up and down on his knee whilst pushing his genitals into my bottom. I observed him doing this with other female students. On one occasion, whilst reading quietly in the school reading room he entered the room unexpectedly. I was trapped and had to physically fight him off me. During this incident, my school uniform was ripped in several places. I was terrified and the feelings of terror, combined with suffocation is still a vivid memory for me. This teacher exposed his genitals at school so frequently, it encouraged male students to do the same. It was uncomfortable and frightening.

Even though I was a very young child when the abuse began, I knew that sexual abuse and physical abuse was not right. I pleaded with my parents to change schools for many years. It felt as though no one was listening. I felt trapped and deprived of personal liberty.

I received physical beatings from 5 teachers at the school regularly. One of the female teachers at the school administered most of the beatings and she would scream at me that she was beating the devil out of me. At times, it felt as though she would go into a frenzy and the only way to survive was to hold onto your ankles and pray for it to be over.

All beatings were accompanied by a scripture from Proverbs in the Bible, “spare the rod and spoil the child’. I was physically beaten on my upper thighs, bottom, lower back and middle back on over 1,800 occasions, receiving an average of four or five blows per occasion. This amounts to a total of approximately 7,200 strikes on my body which started when I was 6 years old.

On two occasions I was hospitalised for severe bruising and swelling due to the beatings at school. I also saw our GP who discussed his concerns at the welts and bruises on my body with my mother. I still carry some of the scars of those beatings on my upper thighs.

I suffered from suicide ideation as a child. I cried constantly, wet the bed and suffered from fear and anxiety every day. My only solace was to self-harm, which released my pain and grief. I considered suicide frequently as a child as the only way out. As an adult I try not to think about this period of my life. It is raw and painful to look back.

I continued my schooling there until I was 15 years old. By then I had grown tall and strong. At my last scheduled beating, with the female teacher who had beaten me for 9 years, I responded by threatening violence. I was suspended because of this. A week later, my parents made the decision to withdraw myself and my sisters from the school.

In my late teens, I suffered from bouts of rage and violent thoughts and found myself in constant conflict without understanding its cause. I sought opportunities to release the anger, grief and rage whilst intoxicated. My grief was palpable, and I was unable to control the rage and would suffer from uncontrollable anger and violence directed at strangers. I engaged in self-medicating behaviour much to my parent’s disappointment. I failed university in my first year and I withdrew from everyone to cope with my grief and depression, and an overall sense of failure.

It is difficult for me to trust people. I suffer from poor attachment and abandonment issues. I still struggle with trauma symptoms especially nightmares, cold sweats, and severe insomnia some 30 years later and after many years of therapy. I hoped the memories would fade as I got older, but I suffer from constant stomach complaints, a diagnosis of adenocarcinoma (stomach cancer) and other digestive system related issues as a consequence.

I am aware of internal triggers which could lead to violence due to my long-term exposure to physical and psychological abuse at the school. I am prone to anger and if triggered I need to self-manage my symptoms and engage in de-escalation and calming techniques. It has taken years of therapy to relearn new coping mechanisms and regulate my emotions and behaviour. The physical abuse I suffered at the school continues to require constant effort on my part to regulate my symptoms, emotions and behaviour. I will need to do this for the rest of my life. For this reason, I never fully relax, and I am vigilant about self management.

I have developed a strong and reliable moral compass due to these experiences. Working in the public sector I have gained a greater understanding of the importance of child safeguarding and duty of care responsibilities. My eyes were opened to the ‘bystander role’ the other teachers and church community played at that time when they provided an environment for the abuse to thrive. I wasn’t the only student to raise this issue.

I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety as a consequence of my experiences at the school. I have received therapy for over 29 years. The economic and emotional labour to undo all of the negative messaging, self-loathing, shame, grief and depression as a result of abuse at the school has been intensive. I continue to work hard to overcome these entrenched messages to slowly replace the sadness and grief with positive experiences, joy, love and optimism.

I have held discussions with my father about the sexual, physical and psychological abuse experiences at the school. These conversations have helped me to process these experiences. He has explained to me that “if he had his time again, he would not have sent my older sister, myself and my younger sister to this school”. It’s not an apology, but it’s an acknowledgement of the damage that was done.

Children should grow up in a space where they are happy, safe and thriving. I didn’t have that experience. I was robbed of a happy childhood and as an adult I am now re-claiming my childhood by being brave and speaking up. I owe this to my inner child. No child should ever have this experience at school. [1018]

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