Thirty-one survivors talked about how they were trying to rebuild their lives. Some found this very difficult to do, especially if they had a criminal record or had been in prison. The most commonly mentioned ways to turn around their lives were to:

• stop their own abusive behaviour and helping prevent abuse in the care system
• establish positive, caring relationships with others reconnect with their cultural identity
• get more education and/or work.

Breaking the cycle of abuse

Some talked about how they had repeated some of the abusive behaviour inflicted on them, and had realised they needed to break that pattern if they were to reclaim their lives. Some said they saw family members behaving abusively and tried to encourage them to stop. Often this behaviour was passed down from generation to generation.

Others said they wanted to break the cycle of abuse in the care system. Sharing their views and experiences contributed to change, helped others and also helped heal their own lives:

“I want to help those who are going through stuff now and what could happen in the future, I want it stopped. The only way it’s going happen is if I do speak.”

CRAIG, MĀORI-PACIFIC, 43

Survivors said the influence of perpetrators on their lives was strong, making it “hard work” to behave differently, particularly if they were parents and had to model a different way of being to their children. One survivor, put in a boys’ home after receiving a custodial sentence in the 1970s, observed:

“The [boys’ home] – that’s where I learned my parenting from when I grew up like that. That’s the only thing that I knew [crying]. It sucks.”

MICHAEL, MĀORI, 59

Positive, caring relationships

Some survivors talked about the value of good relationships – particularly with partners, parents, other family members and friends – as a way to rebuild their lives. They said such mutually loving relationships made them feel happy and supported and greatly helped in turning around their lives:

“When I used to wake up in the middle of the night, screaming, and stuff like that… she’d sit there for hours, just patting my head and telling me it’d be okay.”

DARREN, UNDISCLOSED ETHNICITY, 56

A few survivors talked about the role of mentors they had met through work and the support, encouragement and opportunities these individuals had given them to move on in their lives. Survivors also noted the help of friends, particularly those following a positive path in life, rather than old friends or associates involved in alcohol, drugs or crime.

Survivors frequently mentioned children as a motivator for change. They did not want their children to experience an upbringing like theirs. One survivor, who eventually became a gang member, talked about how he wanted to change for his children’s sake and how his workplace mentor had taught him that showing affection and emotions did not make him any less of a man:

“I needed to change what was wrong to what was right … I couldn’t change my past, but I could try to help theirs. So, a lot more love and affection came into my world and letting them know exactly how I feel.”

JOHN, MĀORI-EUROPEAN, 52

Reconnecting with their cultural identity

Māori survivors talked about the value of reconnecting with their cultural identity, in particular learning about their whakapapa, learning te reo Māori, and connecting with local marae, hapū and iwi. In the process, they came to understand the value of support from their hapū and iwi, both for themselves and their children:

“I’ve never understood the saying, it takes a village to raise a child, but up there [local iwi], we’ve got that village … if I’d only known them all those years ago. I’ve got that now anyway. My kids have got that, more importantly. My kids have got that awhi.”

CHRISTINE, MĀORI, 49

By rediscovering their cultural identity, Māori survivors found their anchor and sense of self- identity and were able to make long-term connections with their whānau. Several talked about the support, both practical and emotional, available through their hapū.

Education and employment

Some survivors undertook further education and found work to support them in their efforts to start a new life. Work sometimes served as a useful distraction from the frequent focus on their experiences of abuse:

“It was better to be constructive and work and think about my job, so that’s what I done. That’s why I took them jobs on, I did seven days a week, 12 hours a day.”

NICHOLAS, EUROPEAN, 60

In the process of gaining further education or undertaking work, survivors often discovered talents they never knew they had. These included creative endeavours such as writing, painting and playing an instrument. Others found a talent for running a business or enjoyed a successful career. Some survivors turned their life experiences to good effect, becoming social workers, youth workers or counsellors:

“I’ve had to turn that into something useful for me. It’s the only education I know. When I went to work in the jail, there was a couple of people there far more qualified than me, but I got the business … Yeah, I was working in the drug unit. I was a drug counsellor in the drug unit.”

MICHAEL, MĀORI, 59

Others found nourishment through looking after siblings or grandchildren or through their religious faith.